Tips and advice if you struggle with people pleasing

Topics mentioned: self-esteem, self-care, friends, family

About: Our bloggers share how learning to say no, set boundaries and be more assertive helps them look after their wellbeing when struggling with people pleasing.

People pleasing is tricky, because it doesn’t always feel like a bad thing to do. When someone asks me to do something, sometimes I say yes because I underestimate the size of the task.

But sometimes it’s because I fear saying no will ruin a relationship, especially when the person means a lot to me, or that it will make me look lazy. Sometimes it is just to fill the awkward silence. This is why I often find myself with too much on my plate.

Here are some ways I manage this:

• Ask about the task so I can work out how it will fit into my schedule.
• If I have FOMO, I check if the opportunity will come up again or if I can split the work into something more manageable for me.
• I say yes to part of the task but make it clear exactly what I will be able to take on and when.
• I say no but suggest another way I could offer support.

Sometimes I just have to bite my tongue, say no, and deal with the guilt. But we don’t have to feel guilty for saying no. It is hard to set boundaries, but I need to be in a good place to be able to help others. Committing to too much and letting people down will make me feel worse.

You shouldn’t feel pressured to help others if you know it’s something you can’t do right now. Sometimes other people don’t know what else we’ve got going on and can expect too much.

People-pleasing often feels like a way to feel worthy, but you won’t gain self-worth from people who don’t respect your efforts. As hard as it is, recognising and accepting your own limits is a way of taking care of yourself and knowing your worth.

One thing I’ve found helpful when putting myself first as a people-pleaser is setting boundaries, and people-pleasers often have few to no boundaries at all. Having boundaries is extremely important and everyone should have them. It helps us understand ourselves, become more assertive, protect our mental wellbeing and build healthy relationships.

Boundaries are especially important for people-pleasers because we often don’t know when someone has overstepped and is asking too much of us. Examples of boundaries include taking alone time when you need it, expressing your own needs or setting social boundaries, such as: “I can spend time with my friends and do things I enjoy without my partner being included.”

The hardest part of setting boundaries is sticking to them, but here are some things that have helped me:

Sometimes when you’re having a disagreement, part of the problem can be that you’re not given the chance to have your say. I’ve been in positions where other people can dominate the conversation or shut down my views before I even get the opportunity to express them. This can lead to the feeling of needing to agree just to move on.

If you feel this way, allow the other person to finish but explain that they should give you the same respect you gave them and listen to you. Not only does this allow you time to think and properly structure your answer, but also to assert your wish to be listened to and heard. It gives the other person your boundary – I will listen to you, if you listen properly to me.