The fallacy of independence: valuing interdependence and autonomy as a Disabled adult

Topics mentioned: disability and mental health

About: Claire explores what it means to be independent as a Disabled adult, offering tips and advice on how to assert yourself and accept help.

What does it mean to be independent?

There are various definitions of independence in the dictionary, like “not taking help or money from other people” or “being free from outside control.” My understanding of independence is the first one, being completely self-sufficient. I think the second definition is more about autonomy - having the freedom to make your own choices and control your life.

As a physically disabled adult, the idea and ultimate goal of independence has been at the core of my interactions with professionals and therapists throughout my life. From feeding myself to brushing my own hair, it’s often assumed that I would want to be able to do these things for myself.

But why?

As humans, we are all dependent on each other. We rely on a functioning society for money and food on the shelves in the supermarket. None of us can survive in isolation without support, which is why the Covid lockdowns were extremely difficult for many people, especially young people like us.

Of course, for some Disabled people, achieving independence in daily tasks can be incredibly meaningful and enabling. But for me, choice and autonomy over the tasks I choose to do and the ones I delegate is far more important. As a physically Disabled person I rely on 24/7 care and support and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. It’s only now as an adult that I’ve gained sufficient insight into my own life and the way my body does or more accurately doesn’t move. It’s helped me realise that striving to do tasks on my own is unrealistic and more often than not, exhausting. Aiming for expectations that don’t match our capacity can very quickly lead to burnout, alongside other wellbeing concerns, like low self-esteem, frustration, and internalised ableism.

Learning to accept help from others is a huge step for any young person, particularly Disabled young people. It’s something that takes time and a readiness to begin exploring your own profile, strengths, and needs. It’s also useful to acknowledge that just because you can physically do something, it doesn’t mean you should or genuinely want to. A key example of this for me was the idea of feeding myself. Yes, sometimes I do have the ability to feed myself, but it’s not worth the fatigue that follows or the high likelihood that I’ll throw more food down myself than what ends up in my mouth.

I hope this blog resonates with you and makes you question whether independence or autonomy is more important in your life. You are the expert in your own experiences!