Destination mindset: learning to accept what I can’t control

Topics mentioned: depression, anxiety, out of control, feeling stuck, self-esteem

About: Self-care turned into pressure on Ciarán to manage his mental health and 'reach happiness'. Here's how he found resilience by accepting life's ups and downs.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve struggled to find a direction in my life. I wasn’t being true to myself and felt I needed to please others. Trying to fulfil others’ expectations and avoid rejection at all costs is emotionally draining, and unsustainable to say the least. It landed me in the depths of depression.

At my lowest points, my mind would chase happiness. Happiness to me was this place of psychological freedom where I wasn’t ruminating on past mistakes or worrying about the future. I could observe my intrusive thoughts, challenge them, and let them go. Happiness looked like eight hours of sleep, morning push-ups, and a nourishing diet. You get the gist. This was my version of eutopia.

To reach ‘happiness’, I implemented pillars into my everyday life. These pillars helped me create certainty in a life jam-packed with uncertainty. These pillars were:

• exercise
• nutrition
• sleep
• human connection
• routine

My daily habits were things like meditating, journalling, self-help podcasts and videos. At my lowest points, these practices got me back on track. Of course, these were my pillars, and if you were to have your own, they might be different.

I started to see significant improvements in my mental health. I began to view things from a healthier perspective and the way I spoke to myself was kinder and more productive. I felt a real sense of positive momentum. But I’d reached my destination remember? I was happy now.

What I expected once I reached this made-up place called ‘happiness’ was for things to start going my way, with little to no problems. I saw anything that went outside my expectations as a disruption.

Gradually, I started to disregard and knock my pillars over one by one. I wouldn’t journal because I felt tired. I wouldn’t bother working out or going to training because I was hungover. I’d go and get a takeaway instead of cooking the food I had in the fridge. I’d sit on the sofa and be very self-critical and anxious about everything. I’d start thinking, ‘my friends will stop texting me now, I haven’t responded to anything in ages’ or ‘I didn’t exercise today, I’ve messed up my progress’. My thinking stemmed from the negativity bias of our minds – I was expecting the worst-case scenario.

Life wasn’t going the way I’d hoped, and I felt disappointed in myself for not maintaining my pillars. I thought they were the key to reaching happiness. But I was back in that dark place again and I felt like the walls were closing in on me.

The lesson I kept missing was that happiness was not a place. It’s not a destination you reach and suddenly everything falls into your lap. I got complacent because the ‘I’ll be happy when…’ fallacy was tattooed in my mind.

Not to sound too spiritual here but, life is a journey. And like it or not, you will metaphorically (sometimes literally) fall on your ass multiple times. That’s life. Nobody, ever, described life as a smooth sail where everything goes your way all the time.

Your character is built on how you respond to setbacks and manage uncertainty. Of course, there are events that happen that are exceptional and do not come into this discussion. But for me, it all started with grounding myself in daily practices and habits, knowing that I was prepared for the unknown.

I compare my approach to my mental health to sweeping the floor a little every day, keeping most of the clutter out of my mind. I will never get it right 100% of the time, and I’m okay with that. I am no longer chasing anything. I’m just a human being, trying my best to keep things in perspective and embrace my journey.