Post-graduation grief: why it’s okay to feel lost and how to embrace change

Topics mentioned: grief and loss, looking after yourself at uni, feeling down and unable to cope

About: Joshua shares his journey of post-graduation grief and how the five stages of grief helped him navigate emotions and find clarity after graduating.

It’s funny how the warm weather, the flowers and the throwing of the caps are all students feel they need to focus on when they graduate from university. No one wants to see a student cry on the steps of their favourite building or cross the stage to receive their degree with tears in their eyes. At least we are led to believe this is true. The universal idea that graduation day should be the happiest day of your life is false. No, something isn’t in the water. It’s perfectly normal for graduation to feel tainted by the feeling that a big part of your life has now come to an end.

Grieving is a natural part of life. We associate grief with the death of friends, family and celebrities, but we grieve for all sorts of reasons, like the loss of a home, job or community. Post-graduation grief is a feeling that is all too real, but not really spoken about. The process of grief can be understood in five stages, but they don’t work for everyone, and they don’t always happen in order – you might move back and forth between stages.

For me, the stages helped make sense of the feelings I had when I left university. These five stages are:

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

Heading to university is a huge moment in someone’s life and it’s the same when you leave. With this in mind, let’s look at how the stages of grief can be applied to leaving university.

Don’t panic! You’re not alone. Lots of students go through an initial period of denial by refusing to believe that their time at university is over. Perhaps to you it feels like...

“I have summer break and then I’ll be back to studying with all my friends!”

Once that final assignment is handed in, it can be tricky to realise that your norm can no longer be the norm. You might be caught in a state of confusion between no longer being a student and not really knowing what’s next for you. This can lead to denying that your degree is in fact over.

Does life feel cruel and unfair? If so, you have reached the anger stage. You could be asking yourself questions such as...

“Why did it have to be like this?”

“Why did I have to move back home?”

“Why am I unemployed?”

Being at university is a unique experience that allows you to feel like an adult but with training wheels. Now, those training wheels are removed and that can feel scary. This can make life feel out of your control, like a fuse ready to blow at any moment.

When we wish for things to be different, we enter the bargaining stage of post-graduation grief. As a defence mechanism, to bargain is to wonder about other avenues you could have taken. Such as...

“What if I chose to do a placement year or study abroad? My university experience would be extended!”

“Why am I not doing a postgraduate degree?” Or “Why am I not doing a postgraduate degree at the same university?”

“Should I have chosen a different degree altogether? Surely I’d feel better if I did?”

Once you realise that these alternate realities will not change where you are right now, you could slip into negative and self-critical thinking.

Nostalgia is the moment where we think longingly about the past and are usually saddened by it. Education as the anchor in your life has now been lost. You may experience mood swings and a loss of motivation in doing things you enjoy.

It’s important to accept that you will feel low. We cannot appreciate good moments without having bad days that come along for the ride. However, if you do experience symptoms of depression that you feel you cannot control, do reach out to somebody. Communication is the key to boosting mental wellbeing and you should not feel ashamed for feeling low.

Yes, life is now different. But different isn’t always a bad thing.

It takes time, but once you learn to be at peace with who you are, and where you’re at, you can start doing activities that bring you joy.

Firstly, allow yourself to feel. Graduating is part of university, but grieving is too. Hopefully now you can match up your symptoms with some or all of the five stages. The idea of graduating is one thing in theory but another thing in practice. Take a breath; take a break. You have a degree! That counts for something.