Men and therapy: why we need to end the stigma

Topics mentioned: counselling and therapy, down and unable to cope, reaching out for help

About: Josh thought mental health support wasn't for him, but after experiencing the benefits of therapy, he wants to empower other young men to ask for help too.

This blog contains reference to suicidal feelings. Please do not read on if you think the content may be triggering for you. If you are currently struggling with your mental health, please visit our find help page for information, advice and guidance on where to get support.

I distinctly remember that day. Sitting in my younger brother’s room, having finished my A-levels, about to head to university. It was supposed to be an exciting time. Yet, I didn’t want to exist.

My brain, thankfully, granted me a reprieve. As I cried and cried and cried, (and as I was met with blank and confused stares from my family), something finally clicked: it was time to head to therapy. It was time to help myself.

A multitude of mental blockades stopped me from trying to access therapy in the past. Some of those were:

• What would my parents think?
• What would my friends think?
• I'm a man; I can’t go to therapy.
• Will I discover parts of myself I’d rather keep hidden?
• Will this really work?

It took me a long time to find therapy that works for me. Since this was happening during the pandemic, I had to turn to online resources and, eventually, online therapy. Essentially, I went onto a therapy comparison website, (it felt like choosing a product off a supermarket shelf with so many options to choose from), and there was the endless number of licensed individuals stating that ‘I can help you’ or ‘we can do this’. I felt sick.

How can a stranger become the one who will perhaps eventually know the most about me? They would know the little secrets of myself I kept hidden, the conversation topics I steered away from at the dinner table, and the highs and lows of my existence all in a weekly 50-minute conversation.

I’m not well-versed in all the various types of therapy out there, and it is certainly about trying out a few methods with even a few therapists (if possible) before you find one that suits your individual needs. I tried person-centred therapy (PCT), and more common therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).

My first-time receiving therapy was not cheap, and while it helped significantly, I am aware that I was in a privileged position, especially regarding my parent’s finances. I was 16 at the time and, luckily, they agreed to pay the weekly fees for a few months.

I’ve had therapy three times over a two-year period. Each time addressed different issues: the first was to help me process traumatic events; the second enabled me to come to terms with my sexuality; and the third allowed me to move on from a toxic friendship. Some of these issues were bigger than others, but each time I went to therapy helped me feel, at least a little, lighter. Indeed, I realised that the light at the end of my tumultuous tunnel did in fact exist. I realised, finally, that I can float.

There is still a stigma against men getting the help they not only need but deserve. To any man reading, I want you to ask yourself:

Please, if you can, go to therapy. Therapy is not necessarily designed for those that are at their breaking point (although you should still reach out if you feel like you are in this situation). The second time I went to therapy was because I was struggling with time management around my university assignments. In reality, I had much deeper issues that finally came to the surface.

If you are a man struggling with your mental health and feel like you can’t ask for help, trust me, there are people out there who can and want to help you. It’s okay to talk about how you feel. Therapy was tricky, but life got lighter.