How I regained control over my eating disorder

Topics mentioned: eating problems, body image, feeling out of control, feeling alone and misunderstood

About: Jade's eating disorder controlled her life for three years, but recovery is possible. She shares what helped her cope and how she reclaimed control over her life.

I remember when I first started to notice my body changing. I was 14 years old and before that, I had no body image concerns or insecurities. Looking back, life seemed so simple, and my only concern was when I’d next see my friends. I never imagined my life would be controlled by something I do to keep myself alive – eating and putting food into my body.

I lost a sense of myself once I hit 14. I don’t remember what triggered my eating disorder, but it controlled my life for three years. Seven years on, I still struggle sometimes and that’s okay. Recovery isn’t linear and every day is a new day to try again. The sense of control an eating disorder gave me controlled my entire life, until I realised having control over my own life involved caring, loving and fuelling my body.

Diving in the deep end worked for me - eating a plate of food at mealtimes served and set up by my family gave me structure, resilience and routine despite how petrifying it was. I dreaded mealtimes, but gaining routine gave me resilience and continuity to work on my recovery. Everyday becomes easier.

When I first began to become unwell, my family noticed and insisted I see a doctor. I was furious and cried for hours! I didn’t want to see a doctor because I didn’t think anything was wrong with me, but I was burying a deep feeling that something was wrong. But hey, I didn’t want things to change. I was losing weight and I felt in control of everything, my body and my mind. But my eating disorder continued to get worse. I still remember the feeling that one small bite of food could have on me, as if I could feel my body grow.

Looking back, I don’t understand how I was in denial, but it was like my eating disorder convinced me that nothing was wrong. I didn’t realise how unwell I was, because the feeling of control that not eating gave me consumed my life.

One day, something clicked, and I don’t really know what. I’m no professional, but here is thing that helped me deal with my eating disorder.

There’s no advice or words of wisdom anyone can say to help someone immediately recover from an eating disorder. But all I can say is to take each day as it comes, and do not be harsh on yourself! Reaching out and telling those around me when I was struggling also helped, and most importantly, practise self-compassion and love by reassuring yourself that it is okay if you are struggling. It’s extremely difficult and hard to understand dealing with an eating disorder and this isn’t your fault.

Unless you've experienced an eating disorder yourself, it’s really difficult to understand or relate. I found it so hard when people didn’t understand - I felt judged and stupid. But I had no idea that so many young people suffer the same way I did. I want to be a voice for those who feel misunderstood for suffering from an eating disorder. It's not all about the way we look and it’s not that we are self-absorbed. Eating disorders can mould our minds into thinking that eating is not helping our lives in anyway, let alone keeping us alive.

I want to be there for those who feel misunderstood like I did. I am here and I understand, and I promise life will get easier. You are imperfectly perfect in your own unique and fascinating way. You deserve life!