Dementia and grief: how I learnt to find joy in the present with my grandma

Topics mentioned: grief and loss, family, down and unable to cope

About: Charleen has struggled with grief and change since her grandma got dementia, but here's how she's learning to treasure their memories and create new ones.

Over the years, watching my grandma’s memories slip away has been difficult. Every day with dementia is different – on some days her cognition is okay, and she can reason and think properly, but other days there’s a lot of confusion and misunderstanding.

It’s hard to watch the memories of someone you love deteriorate. The first time I noticed this in my grandma was a year ago, which saddens me deeply to think about, because she’s someone I’m in constant contact with and rely on for advice. We would be discussing a topic and she’d change the conversation to something else or forget things like her favourite movies and need a lot of prompts to remember. These changes have been difficult to watch and I appreciate the moments when she is able to remember.

But what I’ve come to realise is that time spent with her can be just as good now as it was before she had dementia. Even when she struggles to remember, just being in her presence is what matters, and we’re creating new memories together. I know she won’t always remember when I visit but I can remember, and I never give up on her.

For me, writing down good moments I’ve had with my grandma really helps me cope. Reflecting on the memories you have can help you appreciate your time together. When you’re experiencing grief and loss, the person may no longer be present, but those memories and experiences still exist. Creating a memory journal helps you feel connected to the times you had together as if they were yesterday.

Most importantly, don’t be too hard on yourself. There’s no timeline for grief and loss when someone you love has dementia, because it’s difficult to process and everyone handles it differently. Give yourself time to heal. Even though the feeling of sadness may still be present, as time passes the pain will lessen.

If you’re really struggling, your GP can help you find professional support like counselling and therapy, or about different coping strategies for grief. Just remember, take it one day at a time and go easy on yourself.