Coping when you lose a teacher you trust

Topics mentioned: problems at school, grief and loss, feeling alone and misunderstood

About: It's not uncommon to develop an attachment to a teacher if you feel able to open up to them. Louisa shares her tips for coping with the feelings of loss when you leave a teacher you have a bond with behind.

From a really young age, I’ve been very close with my teachers and saw them as parental figures. Even my teacher from primary school gets the odd message from me now and then to check in and say hi. I’ve recently left college, and I’m going to university in just two days when I’m writing this. While I’m unbelievably excited for this new chapter in my life, it means that I have to leave behind my A-level teachers, which has not been easy.

My English teacher was my main source of support for two years, and she was the person I had come to trust most. During the first few months of leaving college, missing her felt the same as grief. It was painful, I felt as though I’d lost a friend. But now, just a few months later, it isn’t that painful anymore.

There are lots of reasons someone might become attached to a particular teacher. I think if you struggle with your mental health or have experienced something traumatic, teachers are often the people you go to in order to feel safe, especially if you don’t feel like you can go to your parents or other adults. That doesn’t mean we are in love with our teacher though; this isn’t some weird obsession we have like some people may think. We form these attachments as a response to the trauma that we’ve experienced in our lives. Using judgmental phrases just makes us feel isolated, guilty and strange. Teacher attachments are a painful and complex part of mental illness for many young people, but they are not uncommon.

• Be really careful with the language you use with your student, so as to avoid them misinterpreting something you’ve said.
• Give a lot of reassurance to your students, it will help ease their mind more than you think.
• Take the time to make sure your student understands what you're saying to them and why.

Forming attachments to your teachers, or to a favourite person, is much more common than you think. If this has happened to you, please know that you aren’t strange or odd, and that you are not alone. It can be a very rational response to the things you’re going through and have gone through in the past. And remember that your teacher wants the best for you, and they don’t dislike you even if you feel they are not as there for you as you might like. They care about your wellbeing. Look after yourself and know that things will become easier.