How to talk to your child about mental health

• Over time, you might notice there’s a particular time of day or place that makes your child feel more comfortable talking. Set aside time for conversations during these moments.
• If your child or young person is upset, anxious or angry, give them time to calm down. If they’re feeling distressed, they will not be able to think clearly and are more likely to shut down.
• Take care of yourself too. If it’s been a tough day, give yourself time to reflect and calm down. Talking when you’re feeling exhausted, cross or overwhelmed makes it much harder to react well.

• Most children and young people find it easier to talk while they’re on the move or doing an activity. Some also find it easier to think clearly if they have something to do with their hands.
• Side-by-side talking is often easier than face-to-face. Not having to make eye contact can take the pressure off. It also makes pauses and silences more comfortable, encouraging them to stick with the conversation.
• Pick an activity that doesn’t need too much concentration, so you can focus on chatting. You could:
  - drive somewhere together
  - go for a walk, especially if your child likes walking the dog
  - have a kickaround or play catch
  - bake or cook together
  - doodle or colour-in
  - make something out of Lego

• Once you’ve settled into the activity together, ask some gentle questions. Our conversation starters can help you find the words.
• Parents say it’s helpful to think of it like you’re throwing out a rope to see if it’s the right moment for your child to grab on. Sometimes they’ll be in the mood for talking, sometimes they won’t.
• If they’re not in the mood, it’s not your fault. Don’t be put off, force them to talk or push for answers. Just focus on enjoying the activity together and give them some space. It’s normal for it to take time for them to open up. You can always try again another day.

• Leave space for them to start talking gradually. Try not to rush in with lots of ‘why’ or ‘how’ questions. It’s okay to leave pauses while they think about what they want to say.
• When they are talking, let them speak for as long as they need to. It can be tempting to jump in with solutions or try to ‘fix’ things straightaway. But that can discourage them from talking. It can make them feel like you don’t get it or like you need them to be positive. To begin with, focus on listening.

• Give them your full attention. Relax your body position and face. Avoid sitting with your arms folded or frowning as they talk.
• Be caring but calm in your reaction. Avoid showing lots of worry, anger or upset yourself. By staying calm, you’re showing them that you can manage what they’re telling you. This helps them feel more comfortable about talking.
• Conversations like these can bring up feelings of doubt or guilt as a parent. Try to put these to one side while you’re talking. You can come back to them when you get your own support from the people around you. Remember that when your child is struggling, it doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed’. You’re showing how much you love and support them by being there to listen, which is what they need from you right now.

• Whatever they tell you, try to see it through their eyes. Show them that you can see it’s a big deal and that they’ve taken a risk in telling you. Empathise with how it feels for them. Our conversation starters have helpful phrases to support you.
• Try not to minimise anything they say. Avoid phrases like:
  - just try not to think about it
  - you’re overthinking this
  - just ignore them
  - just try to let it go

When children and young people are struggling, it can feel like things will be this way forever. Avoid coming up with quick solutions to complicated problems. But do show that you’re confident there will be a way to make things better.

• Your first reaction is not always your best one, especially if something takes you by surprise. It’s not possible to say the right thing every time, and your child doesn’t need you to. Let them know that you won’t always get it right. But you do want to understand what it’s like for them and you’ll keep trying.
• You can always come back to a conversation and do it over. You could say: ‘You know the other day, I got really stressed when we were talking about…I’m really sorry, that wasn’t helpful. I really want to understand what it’s like for you, can we start again?’
• Try to relax and be yourself around them afterwards. Even if parts of the conversation didn’t go well, remember you’re doing your best. Your child will be able to feel that you care about what’s happening, even if they don’t show it.
• Remember it’s an ongoing conversation. You don’t have to understand everything after just one chat. Keep offering more opportunities to talk.

• These conversations are tough to navigate. They might leave you feeling worried, overwhelmed or isolated. Or you might feel unsure about what’s going on because they’re struggling to open up.
• Other parents have found it helpful to reach out to friends, family and parents who are going through similar things. Having a support network around you can help you be patient while you wait for your child to be ready – and stay calm when they’re talking.
• When you do reach out to others, avoid mentioning anything that you agreed to keep private. This could make your child feel worried about talking again. Instead, focus on how you’re feeling to help maintain trust.

• Ask if there’s anything you can do to help. This could be:
  - checking in with them every so often
  - spending time watching TV together after school
  - giving them space when they’re feeling stressed
• If they tell you they’re going through a tough time, make time for doing things together – like watching TV, going to the cinema, cooking, going for a walk, playing sport or doing something creative. Doing a fun or relaxing activity with you gives them a break from what’s going on and helps them feel less alone.