Understanding feelings and behaviours,
Coping with life,
Practical tools for support
For:
Community support,
Youth workers,
Schools
This resource covers:
It can be hard to know what to say when supporting a young person with their feelings of grief and loss. This guide has some practical tips and advice to help.
Grief is how you react to losing someone or something in your life. Grief can be feelings and behaviours that arise not just from death, but also from the loss of stability, relationships, health, and much more. Losing something or someone can be very hard, no matter what. Grief and loss are feelings that most people will experience in life that can have an impact on our mental health.
"People always talked about the "Five stages of grief"...
But even if I used all ten of my fingers, I'm not sure that I could cover all the stages I went through.
I had heard grief be described in many different ways. A friend of mine described it as a ball in an expanding box. Every time that the ball touches the sides of the box, it hurts. At first, the ball is constantly touching the sides. All you feel is pain.
However, over time, this box gets bigger. The ball has more room to float around, meaning that it hits the sides less and less often. You feel the pain less often."
"I liked that metaphor. It made an experience feel easier to comprehend, and to explain. I wish that I could have launched into an explanation of that metaphor when asked what happened, instead of having to say: "My mum died"."
the metaphor was impersonal, it could apply to any loss. But these three words felt far too personal. They applied to my loss.
"Keeping things impersonal seemed to be my weapon of choice when battling grief. I could acknowledge the loss of a mother, but that was as far as my acknowledgement went.
I had lost a mother. This sort of thing happens every day, to people everywhere. As long as I didn't think about having lost MY mother, things were okay.
My fierce commitment to remaining impersonal allowed me to keep my reality, and pain, at arm's length."
How can grief and loss show up?
You might have some set expectations for how someone expresses their feelings of grief and loss. But grief and loss can show up in lots of ways, like:
Visible emotions
Anger, sadness, frustration and guilt (including survivor's guilt).
Self-isolation
Pushing people away or withdrawing.
Internalising emotions
Brushing off the experience of loss as if it’s ‘normal’.
Physical ailments
Headaches, digestive issues or hair loss.
Having a conversation about loss
Everyone’s experience of grief is different, so let the young person guide the conversation. They may not want to talk, which is fine too. But it’s important that they know you’re there if they need. Here are some tips to support your conversation.
Provide a safe space for them to talk if they want to.
Listen and engage with what they’re sharing. Don’t overshare your own experiences.
Everyone processes loss differently. Try to visibly validate their experiences of loss, whatever they may be.
Don’t avoid talking about the loss or pretend it didn’t happen.
Share helpful resources like our guide to grief and loss for young people, or online support from Marie Curie or Let’s Talk About Loss.
How does someone start the conversation about grief or loss when they don’t know where to start?
We asked adults and here’s what they said:
"Acknowledge that it's difficult. By naming it, it addresses it. [This] can make both parties feel more comfortable."
"Ask a specific question, for example: ‘How has this week been?’ - it's easier to answer than ‘How are you?’"
"'Would you like to talk?’ is a good question, because it allows the person to lead the conversation and either go for it or ignore it."
"Ask people what brings them comfort when they need to grieve."
Allow people time to process things. Don’t pressure a young person to open up if they are not ready, it is important to respect their boundaries.
If they don't open up, you've just got to give them time. You can sit there in silence, that's okay too.
Processing loss as a community
Offering support through an anniversary or a tough moment
There will be moments throughout the year that can be particularly hard. Certain holidays or community events can bring up emotions. It’s also good to remember that sometimes the build-up to the day and the anticipation of it can be worse than the day itself.
Rituals and celebrations
It may be that the young person has some ideas about how they might want to mark certain anniversaries. This could be by visiting a place that reminds them of that person, gathering with certain people, or eating certain foods.
Certain moments can be both a trigger and a celebration for a person grieving. Visiting a place, meeting mutual friends or even eating food the person liked can bring back that feeling of loss despite it being a positive action. It’s important to be mindful during this time of remembrance as both good and bad memories can come up.
We asked Iman to share her advice about how best to support a young person experiencing grief. Her advice is based on her own lived experience as a young Muslim person.
In this video, she explores grief through a cultural lens and describes some of the processes and rituals that occur after a bereavement, and the impact that this can have on a young person and their family.
Follow Iman's work on The Afsos Project, an online resource and support hub for Muslims who are grieving.
Accessing further support
If you need more advice on how to support young people with grief and loss, these services can help.
Let's Talk About Loss
Let's Talk About Loss supports 18-35 year olds who have been bereaved of anyone, at any time.
They run monthly, peer-led meet ups all over the country and there is one online too, so wherever you are, you can access support. They talk about grief in a relaxed, fun and safe space with others of the same age who 'get it'.
Supports young people and families to come together to end violence affecting young people in their communities by providing access to culturally competent therapeutic, financial and legal support.
Trains teachers, youth workers, and other professionals to better identify and support those affected.
For more on how to support young people through grief and loss, as well as practical tools for improving wellbeing, take a look at our other resources.
