It’s normal for children and young people to feel worried about something that’s happening at school – for example, when starting a new school or during exams. Sometimes, however, school can become challenging, stressful or distressing over a much longer period of time.
If your child is feeling anxious about school, or not able to go, it can be exhausting for both of you. Mornings in particular can become really stressful for the whole family, as you try to juggle your child’s feelings alongside the need to get them to school and get on with your other responsibilities such as work. Even if you manage to get your child to the school gate, you might know how difficult they’re going to find the day – or know that you’ll be facing the same problem tomorrow morning.
If you’re in this situation, we’ve got advice to help you explore what’s going on with your child, make changes at school that can help, and find the support you need if your child can’t go to school.
When anxiety builds up to the point that a young person cannot go to school, this is often called ‘school refusal’ – and you might hear the school or other professionals using this term. However, many young people and parents do not like this term because it implies that ‘refusing’ school is a choice, and you may prefer to use terms such as emotionally-based school avoidance (ESBA) or anxiety-related absence.
Young people can feel anxious about school for lots of different reasons. They might be worried about making friends or fitting in, find schoolwork or lessons confusing, feel pressured to learn in a certain way or find their relationships with teachers difficult.
Sometimes, going through difficult experiences outside of school – such as bereavement, an illness in the family or being a young carer – can also make it harder for a child to feel settled at school.
For some young people, the school environment isn’t right for them, and trying to fit into it can create a huge amount of stress. This might be the case if they are struggling with their mental health, or have a neurodiverse condition or Special Educational Need (SEN) such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia or dyspraxia. This can make the school environment anxiety-provoking and exhausting, especially if their condition or need is undiagnosed or not being well supported.
Sometimes it can be difficult to work out what’s making your child feel anxious, and the first step is often helping them to identify exactly what’s worrying them. Once you understand the problem, you’ll be in a much better position to make changes that can help.
Young people can find it hard to explain what’s causing their feelings, and might not be able to answer direct questions like ‘what’s going on?’ Using an anxiety iceberg can help to open up the conversation – giving you a more relaxed way of exploring together what’s causing their anxiety.
Watch our video to find out how to make an anxiety iceberg with your child.
If you’re making an anxiety iceberg with younger children, you might want to draw images on the iceberg, or encourage them to write simple words. With older children and teenagers, you can ask them to write key words and phrases on the iceberg, or do this as a mind map, with ‘school’ in the middle and all the things they’re finding difficult around the outside.
Through this exercise, you might identify worries such as arriving at school, finding the environment noisy or overwhelming, finding lessons confusing, feeling lonely through the day, or feeling uncomfortable during specific subjects.
Once you understand what’s going on for your child, you can use their anxiety iceberg or mind map to communicate with the school and ask for specific changes.
Remember that even though this situation can be really tough for you and your child, it’s a good idea to maintain a positive relationship with the school. Try to recognise the support they are offering and any changes they’re making. This will help you work together to make things better for your child.
Building a relationship with the attendance team at my son’s school was hugely helpful, we were talking with them each day.
Having a routine for getting up, getting dressed, having breakfast and leaving the house can create a sense of security and reduce stress for you too. Try to prepare things like checking their timetable, packing bags and laying out clothes the night before. In the morning, focus on the one thing they need to do next as you work your way through the timetable, rather than thinking about a big goal like ‘getting to school’.
Younger children might like to take something from home, like a favourite toy, into school with them – or use a worry box at home to help contain their anxieties. Teenagers might like to fill a box with things that help them feel calm using our guide to making a self-soothe box.
Having time to unwind after school can be important. This could be spending time with friends and family, listening to music, going for a walk or run, playing sport, baking, drawing or watching a favourite film.
Notice small successes such as getting out of bed at the right time or handing work in at school – and tell your child you’re really impressed with them.
On some days your child may not be able to manage schoolwork or homework. Remember their mood will go up and down and you can always try again the next day.
If your child isn’t going to school at the moment, it might feel incredibly stressful and tiring. You might be worried about when they will be able to get back to school or the impact on their education. Or you might feel overwhelmed because you’re juggling this alongside work and other family commitments. Things are probably feeling tough for your child too.
During this time, it’s important to keep working with teachers and other staff to try strategies that can help your child get back to school. Keep encouraging them to take achievable steps towards attending too. When the right support is in place, it’s often easier for a young person to get back into their usual routine if they can return to school as quickly as possible.
If your child's anxiety about school has built up to the point where they can't go, it's a good idea to get them some professional mental health or SEN support. Find out how to do this further down the page.
Parents often tell us they are worried about fines and prosecution. Schools generally only consider this if they feel there is no valid reason for the absence, the parents are not engaging with the problem, or the absence is not supported by a professional such as a GP.
If the absence is prolonged, your child may be referred to a local council Education Welfare Officer (EWO). They will arrange a home visit to find out more and discuss strategies. The school may also refer your child for other support, including from CAMHS.
Getting back to school after weeks or months may feel extremely difficult for your child, but you and the school can help make it more manageable. Here are some things you can do to help:
My son wasn’t questioned about his absence when he did feel able to pop in for favourite lessons, helping to ease him back into full days of education.
If your child is struggling with anxiety and it’s affecting their day-to-day life, learning or relationships, it’s a good idea to find some professional support. Speaking to the GP and finding them a counsellor or therapist are two good places to start. You can find more information about GPs, counsellors and other mental health services in our parents' guide to getting support from mental health services.
If there is no other obvious reason for your child’s inability to attend school, they may have an undiagnosed Special Educational Need (SEN) such as dyslexia, autism or ADHD.
If you think this is the case:
Here are some different places where you can access SEN support:
While we take care to ensure that the organisations we signpost to provide high quality information and advice, we cannot take responsibility for any specific pieces of advice they may offer. We encourage parents and carers to always explore the website of a linked service or organisation to understand who they are and what support they offer before engaging with them.
We support parents and carers who are concerned about their child or young person's mental health. Our Parents Helpline provides detailed advice and information, emotional support and signposting.
You can speak to us over the phone or chat to us online.
You can speak to us over webchat between 9.30am and 4pm from Monday-Friday. When we’re closed, you can still leave us a message in the chat. We’ll reply to you by email in 3-5 working days.
Provides legally based advice and support to help families get the right education for children and young people with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND).
Alongside calling their Helpline, you can also book an appointment with their Advice Line or Tribunal Helpline.
SENDIAS stands for Special Education Needs and Disability Information, Advice and Support. Every local authority is required to fund a SENDIAS service for their area. But SENDIAS works separately to the local authority and does not work on the local authority’s behalf. This means they can provide free and independent advice about Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND). You can search for your local SENDIAS online or call your local council to ask for their contact details.
Provides advice and information to parents and carers in Scotland if their child needs additional support for learning.
You can also use their webchat service or contact them via an online form.
Online information and resources about education for autistic children and young people. This includes advice around the different types of provision, finding extra help at school, and issues around exclusion and school anxiety.
They also have a network of local branches. These can provide things like parent courses and family support, social meet-ups and support groups for autistic young people.
Provides free legal advice about education and family issues to parents, carers and young people.
You can contact them by email about education law or about family and child law. You can also speak to them over webchat (open 8am - 5.30pm, Monday - Friday).
Provides support, information and advice for families with children with disabilities or other conditions including ADHD. Also runs family workshops and activities.
Free online chat service available.
Provides information, support and advice for people with dyslexia, and for those who support them.
This page was reviewed in December 2022.
It was created with parents and carers with lived experience of supporting their child or young person with school anxiety.
We will next review the page in 2025.
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