What I’ve learnt about supporting my children as they become adults

Topics mentioned: transitions and times of change, looking after yourself as parent or carer

About: Sarah shares her experience of parenting her children as they became adults, and reflects on the type of support they needed from her during this phase of their lives.

I am the mother of two grown-up children, male and female. These are just a few thoughts about what I learnt as a parent along the way as they became adults, both the mistakes and what I think went well. Though who knows if they would agree!

Remember what it was like to be their age. Society has certainly changed, but some issues will always be the same – like figuring out their emotional relationship with you as their parent. I am still the child of parents too, even though I am now in my 60s, my own parents are in their 80s, and my children are in their 20s!

Remember the intersection of different cultures, genders and sexualities that will affect them, and that they are seeing all around them.

As a parent, don’t bring the unhappiness and sadness from your own childhood into your children’s. Don’t blame your children for issues which made you unhappy way before they were born. In my case, that was my own relationship with my parents. I had to learn to take responsibility for my behaviour and attitudes.

If you feel some guilt about an aspect of their childhood, don’t assume they want you to tell them about it now just because they are adults. My children really didn’t want to know when I tried to apologise, however much it was meant in a loving way. While some young people might want to talk about this, mine felt uncomfortable and even disempowered. Knowing that their childhood was difficult, but that they could do nothing about it now, added to their anxiety.

My adult children are amazing and it is an absolute joy and privilege to spend time with them.

I know though that this all comes from having the time to reflect. When they lived at home, it was physically and emotionally tiring for them and me. I did get so much joy though out of meeting their friends and their friends' parents, and joining parent groups. I really enjoyed reading books, fiction and non-fiction, about parenting. And I am still reading or listening to podcasts.

We never stop being parents, but we do need to give them space. It is frightening for us to do that, but it is only natural as they grow up. Having children makes us vulnerable. We are their protectors, and this is a role we will play for the rest of our lives.

Childhood is short though, and there comes a point where we as parents have to make the journey from being protector to setting our children free. I believe that is one of the most difficult journeys of all. But it is possible, one day at a time.