Grief & Loss | Parents Guide To Support

What is grief?

Losing someone we love and feel close to, or going through a bereavement, can be extremely painful. Grief is our natural response to this loss. It is a process rather than an event.

Your child or young person, as well as you and other family members, may be grieving because:

someone in the family has died, like a parent, grandparent or sibling
their friend or someone at school has died
they have lost someone by suicide
someone they are close to has become ill
a pet has died or been lost

A young person alone and looking down at the ground.

What does grief feel like?

Grief feels different to every individual. Our feelings around grief also change over time. At different points, a young person who is grieving might feel incredibly sad, lonely, tearful, angry, reflective, numb or heartbroken.

They may also experience some of the physical signs of grief. These can include:

waves of crying, which can sometimes feel like they come out of the blue
feeling unwell or sick
eating more or less than before
being extremely tired
finding it difficult to get to sleep
finding it difficult to concentrate, including at school

You might sometimes hear people talk about the ‘stages of grief’ or the ‘grief cycle’. These describe some of the common feelings that people who are grieving can experience.

It’s important to understand that not everyone experiences these things. And that we do not move through the stages one-by-one. We might move forwards or backwards between them, or experience them in any order. Or we might feel different emotions completely.

Some people argue that the 'five stages of grief' can make it feel like there's one way to grieve. Or like they’re grieving the 'wrong' way. Remember that everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It's okay to feel any emotion and to process it in our own way. It’s a time for being kind and patient with ourselves.

Denial – for example, feeling confused, numb or in shock.
Anger – this might be towards the person who has died, or with the world in general.
Bargaining – for example, going over things from the past, or feeling guilty or anxious.
Depression – this might feel like intense sadness or loneliness about living without the person.
Acceptance – this might be feeling more able to live with our grief, rather than feeling we have ‘got over it’.

Tips for talking about grief and loss

Explain what’s happened and what it means

When someone has died, tell them about this clearly using age-appropriate language. You can get advice to help you find the right words on the Winston’s Wish website.
Use clear language

Even though it can feel difficult, use direct words such as ‘died’ or ‘dead’. Avoid expressions such as ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘passed on’, as these can be confusing.
Give space for them to ask questions

Some children and young people might want to talk about what happens after we die. It’s okay to be curious about what they think, and to say you don’t have all the answers. You and your family might have your own religious and cultural beliefs about this, and you might want to talk about these together.
Focus on listening and empathising

Be curious and non-judgmental about how they’re feeling. Avoid trying to ‘fix’ things. You won’t be able to make it all better, but being there to listen makes a huge difference.
Let them express whatever they’re feeling

Remind them that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s completely understandable to feel however they do. If they are worried about feeling nothing or numb, reassure them that this is a normal reaction. It can be our body’s way of protecting us until we are ready to start processing what’s happened.
Make sure they know it isn’t their fault

Your child or young person might tell you they are blaming themselves, or you might be worried about this. Be very clear that while it’s normal to worry about this, it is absolutely not their fault or responsibility. No one is ever responsible for someone dying or getting ill.

A young Black woman talking about something serious with an older Black woman in the park.

If your child or young person feels uncomfortable about talking, you could try starting a conversation while doing an activity. This can help them to relax by making it feel less like a ‘big chat’. Have a look at our activity suggestions to get some ideas.

It’s also okay to give them some space, especially with older children and teenagers. Sometimes it helps to just sit together quietly, or to offer a hand squeeze or hug. Reassure them that it’s okay to talk to someone else they trust too.

You can find more tips about talking in our guide.

How to talk to your child about mental health

Helping your child or young person to cope with grief

This can help to make their emotions feel more manageable. It can also be a way for them to start to deal with the loss.