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Anger

We all feel angry sometimes, often when there’s a good reason. Uncontrolled anger can be harmful, but you can learn to manage it.

What is anger?

Anger is one of a range of emotions that we all experience. It’s ok and perfectly normal to feel angry about things that you have experienced. 

Anger can start to become a problem when you express it through unhelpful or destructive behaviour – either towards yourself or other people. It can also contribute to you developing mental health problems, like depression and anxiety, or make existing problems worse.

If you find yourself doing these sorts of things, it might be a sign that you need some support:

  • Hitting or physically hurting other people
  • Shouting at people
  • Breaking things
  • Losing control
  • Spending time with people who get you into trouble 
  • Constantly ending relationships or getting in trouble at school or work 
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Outward aggression

Do you often find yourself being aggressive towards other people? 

Are you frightening or worrying yourself, or those around you with your behaviour?

Inward aggression

Do you tell yourself that you hate yourself, that you're useless, that you don't deserve things?

Do you shut yourself off from the world, deny yourself things that make you happy or self-harm? 

Passive aggression

Do you behave passive-aggressively towards other people? Do you ignore people, refuse to speak to them, or are you often sarcastic or sulky?

Why do I feel angry?

Everyone feels angry sometimes - and we all have different triggers. You may experience anger in situations where you feel powerless, or frustrated. This could be because of problems at home or school, or if you've fallen out with a friend, or had a break up with a partner. You might start to feel angry if you feel misunderstood by people around you, like your parents, or if you are confused about your sexuality. 

But sometimes, you can feel angry and not know why. This could be the result of lots of stress and different pressures building up around you. Or, it could be because of something that happened to you in the past, like neglect or abuse. Recognising the types of situations which trigger your anger is the first step to figuring out what is causing it, and finding a way to make things better.       

What happened the last time you were angry? We asked several people what anger feels like for them, and how they manage it. 

How can anger affect me?

When we get angry, it can be hard to think things through – especially if that anger seems overwhelming or uncontrollable. And if we feel angry a lot of the time – in other words, if we get into constant patterns of thinking angry thoughts about ourselves or others – it’s hard to take a step back and communicate in a healthy and productive way.

We may tense up and clench our teeth. Our hearts pump faster, our stomachs might churn, and we may clench our fists. These are useful early warning signs that we are getting wound up.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to recognise just how much anger you are feeling, and how it is affecting you. This might be because you have lots of things going on in your life. 

After getting angry about something you might start to feel guilty about it, and this can make you feel worse. 

Issues with anger can lead to risky behaviour, refusing to go to school, isolation, eating problemsdepression, and self harm.

Drinking too much alcohol or taking drugs might be seen as ways of coping with anger issues but remember, they make you feel worse and are likely to create bigger problems later.

How can I manage my anger?

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Relaxation

Over time, you’ll learn to manage your anger better yourself. When you feel angry or stressed you can try out different relaxation techniques to help you calm down, such as:

  • Going for a walk
  • Listening to music
  • Taking deep breaths
  • Doing some exercise
  • Doing something you enjoy - skateboarding, painting, swimming
  • Talking to someone about how you are feeling
  • Playing computer games to take your mind off it
  • Reading a book
  • Having a hot bath

Handling Conflict

If you have a problem with someone, think about what you want to say beforehand and how you want to get your point across. Listen to their point of view and calmly put yours across too.

If you feel your anger levels rising, walk away from a situation to calm down, rather than saying or doing something you might regret later. You can learn to manage your anger and find techniques that work for you.

Tips from our Activists

Our activists share their anger management tips:

Tara says, 
"Think of the bigger picture, will this bother you in a year? Try and say why you're angry, and remember that time alone to calm yourself down is okay. Take some time to think about how your actions are affecting others, and try to remember people are usually trying to help you!"

Jacob says: 
"When you're angry, try some deep breathing techniques or listening to music. You could also do some colouring, running, or any form of exercise."

What can you do if you did something you regret when you were angry?

Alex says: 
"If you harmed someone, apologise. If you hurt yourself, apologise to yourself."

Tara says: 
"Figure out why you reacted like that so you can recognise it next time before it's too late."

Jacob says:
"You could try writing it down or writing poems. If it was someone that made you angry, tell them, or talk to someone else. Remind yourself that the emotion is valid."

For more tips and advice on listening to your anger, visit our blogs:

Get help for anger

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If you often feel angry there are things you can do to help yourself. Other people can help too.

Talking

Talk about how you are feeling. Parents or carers and other family members, such as grandparents, may be good listeners. Your close friends and other family friends may be able to help.

At school, find a teacher, mentor, counsellor or school nurse who you trust. In the community, social workers, youth workers and leaders will also be able to listen.

You can also see your GP. They may be able to suggest some treatment or recommend a counsellor.

You could try saying:

  • "I've been feeling really wound up recently and I'm starting to think something might be wrong. Can I talk to you about it?"
  • "I want to talk to you about something that's been bothering me."

Writing it down

Keep a note of how you're feeling: 

  • What happened that made you angry?
  • How did you respond? Did it help? 
  • How did you feel afterwards?
  • What else is on your mind? Is there something making you feel worried, scared or alone?

Counselling

Your GP may refer you to your child and adolescent mental health service (CAMHS) where you would talk to a specialist about your feelings and behaviour. The specialist may advise you how to deal with these. They may also suggest counselling if there are problems or things that happened in the past that may be causing your anger issues now.

If counselling is your best option, the specialist arranges a series of confidential one-to-one sessions with a counsellor or therapist.

You can talk with them about concerns or problems you might have. The counsellor will help you work through your issues and give you skills and strategies to deal with your anger better.

For parents:

If you are a parent or carer of a child or young person who has anger issues, take a look at our parents guide to anger advice page. We can also support you through our Parents Helpline. We are here to listen to you, and give you free, confidential advice and information. 

Helplines and services available

YoungMinds Crisis Messenger

  • Provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK if you are experiencing a mental health crisis
  • If you need urgent help text YM to 85258
  • All texts are answered by trained volunteers, with support from experienced clinical supervisors
  • Texts are free from EE, O2, Vodafone, 3, Virgin Mobile, BT Mobile, GiffGaff, Tesco Mobile and Telecom Plus.

Ditch the Label 

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Youth Access

  • www.youthaccess.org.uk
  • A place for you to get advice and information about counselling in the UK, if you're aged 12-25. 

The Mix

  • www.themix.org.uk
  • If you're under 25 you can talk to The Mix for free on the phone, by email or on their webchat. You can also use their phone counselling service, or get more information on support services you might need. 
  • Freephone: 0808 808 4994 (13:00-23:00 daily)
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